http://velociready.org/index.php/site/index/ en questions@velociready.org Copyright 2010 2010-07-09T02:37:01+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/why_and_meditations_on_the_utahraptor/ http://velociready.org/site/why_and_meditations_on_the_utahraptor/#When:02:37:01Z Duncan sez: OH, GOD, THE PAIN,WHY? IT’S RIPPING MY TORSO IN HALF, OH THE PAIN….... With his dying breath, Duncan managed to send me this image. It appears to show a small blue man waving at a large green chicken, and a totally terrified stick figure surrendering to a baby raptor. Bad move, stick figure. Raptors, like gazelles, can run and jump from the moment they are born. Unlike gazelles, they are also able to disembowel from birth. Mr. Sticks is lucky he doesn’t have bowels, otherwise he would have voided them all over Dunceman’s nice white JPEG. Utahraptors, or “Mormon Turkeys”, are none of my concern. As far as I can tell, they were made up in the early 1990s by “scienticians” who were jealous of the raptor’s fearsome claws and prowess with the ladies. These so-called experts also decided that the Mormon Turkey should have special celestial undergarments made of feathers. Well done, jerkwads. I would like to offer my condolences to Duncan’s family and remind them that, in accordance with this site’s submission guidelines, I have 30 days to come to Duncan’s house and rifle through his possessions. Anything I don’t want will be auctioned off and used to buy bacon for orphans of raptor attack. Let this be a lesson to you all. Carry your whistle and keep a pork product handy, lest you end up like our starving dead artist friend Duncan. Raptor Sightings 2010-07-09T02:37:01+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/lifesaving_tactics_bacon_dispensers/ http://velociready.org/site/lifesaving_tactics_bacon_dispensers/#When:19:48:40Z I was recently walking home through the village park, having just purchased a whistle for my new Orangutan. I’m sure glad I had found your web site recently because,  when I realized that a raptor was closing in I knew what to do.  I dashed into the public restroom, where I found the typical bacon dispenser (see attached pic) and removed the whistle from the packaging.  It was difficult to remain calm, but Blow, Throw, & Go was the only thing on my mind at that incredible moment.  My Orangutan was not pleased about receiving a used whistle, however. – Alan Bruce Testimonials 2010-04-24T19:48:40+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/can_chuck_norris_kill_a_raptor/ http://velociready.org/site/can_chuck_norris_kill_a_raptor/#When:19:22:45Z Jared Asks: Can Chuck Norris kill a velociraptor? OK, first of all, Chuck Norris would never fight *a* raptor. Raptors hunt in packs and firmly believe in the buddy system. That’s like asking, “Can Chuck Norris wear a pant?” But seriously, this is a difficult question for me to answer. I would really like to believe that Chuck Norris is some sort of wily superhuman, we have to face some inconvenient truths. Things Chuck Norris Does Things Velociraptors Do Chuck Norris votes Republican. Velociraptors eat Republicans. And anyone else, for that matter. Chuck Norris spends his spare time promoting fitness equipment. Velociraptors don’t have any spare time. They are always on the way to kill something or on the way back from it. Chuck Norris looks like Ned Flanders with a big hat. Velociraptors look like fear, with just a smidge of crocodile. Chuck Norris writes Christian cowboy novels. Velociraptors don’t write, but if they did it would be stuff about clowns dying. I hate clowns. So if you ask me, it’s pretty simple. One roundhouse-kicking Ned Flanders wannabe vs. the badass reptiles that took out Robert Muldoon, the planet’s foremost big game hunter. Not much of a fight. You know what is cool about Chuck Norris, though? His real name is Carlos. That’s pretty rockin. – Dr. V Matchups and Comparisons Involving Raptors 2010-04-24T19:22:45+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/are_velociraptors_even_real/ http://velociready.org/site/are_velociraptors_even_real/#When:18:53:04Z Are Velociraptors even real or do they belong on this here list: http://tinyurl.com/ylh4wm3 -Mickelbar Nelson Dear “What the hell kind of a name is Mickelbar?”, Seriously. Your mother is fired. Unless you are related to Craig T. Nelson, former star of TV’s Coach. That would be awesome. So, let’s take a look through your list, which is titled “7 Lamest Yet Widely Believed Cryptozoological Hoaxes”. We’ve got three diseased rabbits, two snakes, some cardboard fairies, and something called a “fur-bearing trout”. Fur-bearing trout, eh? Here’s the thing, Michaelmas. Velociraptors aren’t cryptozoological. They’re real. You can wander into any museum worth its bacon salt and see a raptor skeleton. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “But those skeletons are millions of years old! Raptors went extinct!” Horse d’ouevers! Velociraptors didn’t go extinct. They just went underground. Let us consider the ninja. In ancient Japan, ninjas wandered around kicking ass. Now you hardly see any ninjas. But do you doubt that they’re still out there? Of course not. In conclusion, velociraptors eat ninjas for breakfast, with a side of fur-bearing trout. So, Mickey Mouse, the choice is yours. But on the highly likely chance that raptors do end up killing you, please send your address so I can come to your house and rifle through your possessions. Don’t stop believin’, – Dr. V Questions about my Qualifications, Judgement, and/or Sanity, Questions about Velociraptor Appearance and Habits 2010-04-24T18:53:04+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/when_should_i_have_the_talk_with_my_kids_about_velociraptors/ http://velociready.org/site/when_should_i_have_the_talk_with_my_kids_about_velociraptors/#When:10:16:47Z Hi there, was wondering what would be the appropriate age to have “the talk” with my kids about velociraptors? Thanks, Carol B. Dear Carol Bee (Bzzzzz….), It’s good to see somebody out there finally being a responsible parent and terrifying their kids at a young age. It’s a scary world out there, what with the economy, Glenn Beck, and reality TV, so the earlier you introduce those rugrats to pure reptile horror, the less likely they are to end up dead (or on reality TV). The right age to teach your kids about the dangers of roving raptors is eight. I find that kids younger than that can’t pronounce the word “velociraptor” correctly. Sure, its adorable when kids mispronounce big words, but I don’t need a bunch of six-year-olds running around screaming their heads off about “las rappers”. That steals focus from the real problem at hand. Fortunately, Carlos, you don’t need to have “The Talk” at all, because there is already an award-winning documentary about the dangers of raptors. It’s called Jurassic Park, and it’s available at your local video store. Rent that sucker and sit your kids down on the couch. After two or three viewings, they will have absorbed all the raptor preparedness they’ll ever need. It’s possible that your kids aren’t quite eight yet, and thus not ready for raptor training. In the meantime just keep packing bacon in their school lunches, and encourage them to make some fat friends. Raptors love fatties. Keep on truckin’, - Doc V. Questions About Ways to Avoid Being Eaten 2009-09-24T10:16:47+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/raptor_attack_preparedness_kit_tactical_bacon/ http://velociready.org/site/raptor_attack_preparedness_kit_tactical_bacon/#When:16:23:05Z This is the most brilliant thing I have ever seen. http://www.thinkgeek.com/caffeine/wacky-candy/c399/ It’s Tactical Canned Bacon that stays fresh for 10 years. Keep a can of this in your car and never worry about untimely raptor attack again. Disclaimer: I’m not being paid to endorse this product… yet. Testimonials 2009-08-27T16:23:05+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/does_it_have_to_be_an_actual_whistle_or_can_i_whistle_using_my_mouth/ http://velociready.org/site/does_it_have_to_be_an_actual_whistle_or_can_i_whistle_using_my_mouth/#When:03:35:27Z Does it have to be an actual whistle or can I whistle using my mouth? Also, Isn’t it true that velociraptors travel in packs?  I saw this on Jurassic park.  If so, I might need more bacon. Also, does packaged jerky work? Thanks. Justin Holy crap with the questions there, Justin! What ever happened to one man, one vote? Question the first: There is a reason man invented a special whistling device. This is because people can only whistle so loud, and since raptors don’t have ears they might not be distracted enough to not eat you. I guess you could try “Whistling Dixie”. That song is pretty annoying and should make anything but a Southern raptor turn away in disgust. Question the second: Yes, it is true raptors travel in groups. The correct name for a group of raptors is not a “pack”, but a “manslaughter”. Good luck with that. Question the third: Commercially available jerky is wildly uneven in quality. Some jerkies are dryer than tree branches in a California wildfire, while others are tasty and delicious. If you live in an area where bacon is unavailable, you could try Slim-Jims. Those are greasy enough to entice even the most jaded reptile. Thanks for not asking four questions, Doctor V, M.D. Questions about Velociraptor Appearance and Habits, Questions About Ways to Avoid Being Eaten 2009-06-07T03:35:27+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/how_can_I_tell_if_my_boss_is_a_velociraptor/ http://velociready.org/site/how_can_I_tell_if_my_boss_is_a_velociraptor/#When:03:13:08Z I suspect my boss, John, is a velociraptor, before I stake him through the heart how can I be sure? Thanks. Steve B Having a velociraptor for a boss is a sticky situation. He could fire you at any time, or he could just eat your face. Here are some ways to tell if your boss if a raptor. Bring a slab of raw bacon to work and put it on your desk. If it turns up missing, your boss is probably a raptor. If he tells you to get rid of it, he’s probably still a raptor and is trying to get you to throw it out so he can fish it out of the trash later. Lace your boss’s food with habanero pepper extract. If he is a raptor (or a very large bird) he won’t react to it because dinosaurs aren’t sensitive to capsaicin. The next time your boss gives you an unpleasant assignment, blow a whistle very loudly and run away. If you find that your boss has disappeared into the jungle in search of prey, he’s probably a raptor. If you come back to your desk and he’s standing there scowling at you, you’re probably fired. Of course, in this down economy, having a raptor for a boss might just be an acceptable risk. If you are eaten by raptor, your next-of-kin can collect double life insurance. You’ll still be dead, but your relatives will thank you. Keep it real, - Doc V. Conspiracy Theories 2009-06-07T03:13:08+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/raptors_and_swine_flu/ http://velociready.org/site/raptors_and_swine_flu/#When:00:42:19Z Lots of people are curious about the connection between raptors and the Swine Flu (pro-tip: there isn’t one). I’ve read that eating extra bacon can boost my immune system and protect me from, among other things, the Swine Flu.  Is that a fact or just another myth perpetrated by the Bacon Lobby?  The reason I ask is, if I eat all of my bacon, I will be left defenseless against velociraptors and I fear blowing my whistle without backing it up with bacon will actually attract velociraptors to me instead of giving me time to escape. Thanks. Steve B Can you contract the Swine Flu from sharing a restroom with a velociraptor? Thanks. Mr. Name Withheld Dear Nitwit-helds, A velociraptor is not a swine. Velociraptors eat swine, but eating pork is not a cause of swine flu. Bacon, as a pork product, will neither cause nor prevent swine flu, but it will make you delightfully obese. You needn’t worry about running out of bacon, as the Bacon Lobby has plans to manufacture it from third world children in the event of a pig shortage. My sources tell me that swine flu was invented by Rush Limbaugh to sell more copies of his latest book, The Necronomicon. As long as you don’t share the restroom with him, you’ll be fine. Keep on truckin’, Dr. V. Questions About Ways to Avoid Being Eaten 2009-06-07T00:42:19+00:00 http://velociready.org/site/velociraptor_vs._cassowary_taking_all_bets_and_all_your_money/ http://velociready.org/site/velociraptor_vs._cassowary_taking_all_bets_and_all_your_money/#When:02:34:52Z This site talks about the most terrifying bird on Earth. How would it stack up to a Velociraptor? http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/cassowary-terryfying-bird-earth/10022 Lame bird fact: A CASSOWARY is a stupid blue turkey from New Gondwanaland that lives in the mountains and sometimes kicks people with its mighty turkey feet. A cassowary once accidentally killed a 13-year-old boy during the Great Depression, when everybody was already weak from hunger and lack of stock options. Due to this single historical fluke, some asshat scientists dare to call the cassowary the deadliest bird ever. Totally awesome fact: A VELOCIRAPTOR is a rockin’ dinosaur from the Paleozoic era that lives in the shadows and kills millions of healthy and non-depressed people annually. Its claws are harder than iron and sharper than rocks. Velociraptors can’t fly, but if they could, you can bet there would be no other animals left on earth, not even your precious cassowaries. Mazel tov, and thanks for all the turkey, - Dr. V Matchups and Comparisons Involving Raptors 2009-04-28T02:34:52+00:00