When should I have “The Talk” with my kids about velociraptors?
Hi there, was wondering what would be the appropriate age to have “the talk” with my kids about velociraptors?
Thanks, Carol B.
Dear Carol Bee (Bzzzzz….),
It’s good to see somebody out there finally being a responsible parent and terrifying their kids at a young age. It’s a scary world out there, what with the economy, Glenn Beck, and reality TV, so the earlier you introduce those rugrats to pure reptile horror, the less likely they are to end up dead (or on reality TV).
The right age to teach your kids about the dangers of roving raptors is eight. I find that kids younger than that can’t pronounce the word “velociraptor” correctly. Sure, its adorable when kids mispronounce big words, but I don’t need a bunch of six-year-olds running around screaming their heads off about “las rappers”. That steals focus from the real problem at hand.
Fortunately, Carlos, you don’t need to have “The Talk” at all, because there is already an award-winning documentary about the dangers of raptors. It’s called Jurassic Park, and it’s available at your local video store. Rent that sucker and sit your kids down on the couch. After two or three viewings, they will have absorbed all the raptor preparedness they’ll ever need.
It’s possible that your kids aren’t quite eight yet, and thus not ready for raptor training. In the meantime just keep packing bacon in their school lunches, and encourage them to make some fat friends. Raptors love fatties.
Keep on truckin’,
- Doc V.