Raptor Attack in the Windy City
Great news! This site saved my life this weekend while in Chicago! I was going for a leisurely stroll when I was ambushed by a pair of velociraptors. Using the blow, throw and go method I was able to survive the encounter. I must admit, while confident in your techniques, I was scared since I didn’t have fresh bacon on me; however, a combination of your teaching and quick thinking ultimately saved my life.
Normally in such a situation I would have immediately grabbed my bacon amulet that I always keep hanging around my neck, but I had most likely lost it while fighting the notorious bum, “Sergeant Stab You in the Face,” in the championship round of the extremely legal hobo fighting cage match tournament I had participated in the prior night. I didn’t have my bacon amulet, but I remembered I had some Chicago style deep dish pizza that was loaded with bacon and I threw that instead.
Not only did I survive, but the pizza worked so well one of the raptors and I became friends. He’s taking a train to Toledo this weekend to hang out, maybe play some Playstation or catch a movie.
- Steve (Toledo, OH)
Posted by (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 01/24 at 01:48 AM
Don’t trust a raptor! it is not becoming friends with you: there is no such thing as a friendly raptor, no matter how much bacon you give it. this raptor will disembowell you!
Posted by (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 07/05 at 07:35 PM
I too friended a Raptor once. And not on Facebook either! I met her while out and about on door to door sales job selling bacon products (GO FIGURE!). She was able to pay and ordered a years supply of my products by trading me gold and silver cavity fillings from her victims. I only accepted this trade because the economy is so bad at the moment, and business is really slow. I would listen to the warnings from others about friending these slick bacon lovers. “Raptor Red” is what her dog tags said…and she stole my boyfriend from me. Damn Raptor sluts! I haven’t seen him in months! Though, some have speculated that she ate him and buried his body in Georgia somewhere. Needless to say, we are no longer friends and I learned my lesson about trusting any Raptor. Especially the man-stealing/eating kind.
Kryssey
Posted by (JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address) on 05/22 at 02:17 PM
Great news! This site saved my life this weekend while in Chicago! I was going for a leisurely stroll when I was ambushed by a pair of velociraptors. Using the blow, throw and go method I was able to survive the encounter. I must admit, while confident in your techniques, I was scared since I didn’t have fresh bacon on me; however, a combination of your teaching and quick thinking ultimately saved my life.