Are You Velociready?

When should I have “The Talk” with my kids about velociraptors?

Hi there, was wondering what would be the appropriate age to have “the talk” with my kids about velociraptors?

Thanks, Carol B.

Dear Carol Bee (Bzzzzz….),

It’s good to see somebody out there finally being a responsible parent and terrifying their kids at a young age. It’s a scary world out there, what with the economy, Glenn Beck, and reality TV, so the earlier you introduce those rugrats to pure reptile horror, the less likely they are to end up dead (or on reality TV).

The right age to teach your kids about the dangers of roving raptors is eight. I find that kids younger than that can’t pronounce the word “velociraptor” correctly. Sure, its adorable when kids mispronounce big words, but I don’t need a bunch of six-year-olds running around screaming their heads off about “las rappers”. That steals focus from the real problem at hand.

Fortunately, Carlos, you don’t need to have “The Talk” at all, because there is already an award-winning documentary about the dangers of raptors. It’s called Jurassic Park, and it’s available at your local video store. Rent that sucker and sit your kids down on the couch. After two or three viewings, they will have absorbed all the raptor preparedness they’ll ever need.

It’s possible that your kids aren’t quite eight yet, and thus not ready for raptor training. In the meantime just keep packing bacon in their school lunches, and encourage them to make some fat friends. Raptors love fatties.

Keep on truckin’,

- Doc V.

Does it have to be an actual whistle or can I whistle using my mouth?

Does it have to be an actual whistle or can I whistle using my mouth?

Also, Isn’t it true that velociraptors travel in packs?  I saw this on Jurassic park.  If so, I might need more bacon.

Also, does packaged jerky work?

Thanks.

Justin

Holy crap with the questions there, Justin! What ever happened to one man, one vote?

Question the first: There is a reason man invented a special whistling device. This is because people can only whistle so loud, and since raptors don’t have ears they might not be distracted enough to not eat you. I guess you could try “Whistling Dixie”. That song is pretty annoying and should make anything but a Southern raptor turn away in disgust.

Question the second: Yes, it is true raptors travel in groups. The correct name for a group of raptors is not a “pack”, but a “manslaughter”. Good luck with that.

Question the third: Commercially available jerky is wildly uneven in quality. Some jerkies are dryer than tree branches in a California wildfire, while others are tasty and delicious. If you live in an area where bacon is unavailable, you could try Slim-Jims. Those are greasy enough to entice even the most jaded reptile.

Thanks for not asking four questions,

Doctor V, M.D.

Raptors and Swine Flu

Lots of people are curious about the connection between raptors and the Swine Flu (pro-tip: there isn’t one).

I’ve read that eating extra bacon can boost my immune system and protect me from, among other things, the Swine Flu.  Is that a fact or just another myth perpetrated by the Bacon Lobby?  The reason I ask is, if I eat all of my bacon, I will be left defenseless against velociraptors and I fear blowing my whistle without backing it up with bacon will actually attract velociraptors to me instead of giving me time to escape.

Thanks.

Steve B

Can you contract the Swine Flu from sharing a restroom with a velociraptor?

Thanks.

Mr. Name Withheld

Dear Nitwit-helds,

A velociraptor is not a swine. Velociraptors eat swine, but eating pork is not a cause of swine flu. Bacon, as a pork product, will neither cause nor prevent swine flu, but it will make you delightfully obese.

You needn’t worry about running out of bacon, as the Bacon Lobby has plans to manufacture it from third world children in the event of a pig shortage.

My sources tell me that swine flu was invented by Rush Limbaugh to sell more copies of his latest book, The Necronomicon. As long as you don’t share the restroom with him, you’ll be fine.

Keep on truckin’,

Dr. V.

What if you doused yourself in grape juice instead of carrying the SuperSoaker?

What if you doused yourself in grape juice instead of carrying the SuperSoaker? You could still carry bacon and whistles. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate in protection?

Fact: Grape juice is sticky and disgusting. Dousing yourself in it might protect you from raptors, but it would also protect you from hanging out with normal people. I wouldn’t let you in my house, because I just got a new couch.

I read that you could repel a velociraptor attack with a SuperSoaker full of grape juice.

I read that you could repel a velociraptor attack with a SuperSoaker full of grape juice. Is this true?

Maybe, if you are some kind of SuperSoaker sniper!

Otherwise the raptor will probably eat you, but leave the grape juice behind. The juice will ferment into wine and squirrels will find it, get all drunk and rowdy, and burn down a nursing home. Think about that before you try and go all Rambo.

Are there alternatives to the blow, throw, & go method?

This site seems light in the ways to avoid being eaten area, which I feel is extremely important. Are there alternatives to the blow, throw, go method?

Yes, probably! Try some, and if you survive, write back.

If you do get eaten, I will come to your house and rifle through your possessions. Please send your address.

Will a dog whistle work against velociraptors?

No, raptors are not dogs.

What about ham?

I dunno, it’s your funeral.

Does Canadian bacon work, or does it have to be regular?

Canadian bacon works, but only on Canadian raptors.