Are You Velociready?

WHY?!!! (And Meditations on the Utahraptor)

Duncan sez:

OH, GOD, THE PAIN,WHY? IT’S RIPPING MY TORSO IN HALF, OH THE PAIN…....

With his dying breath, Duncan managed to send me this image. It appears to show a small blue man waving at a large green chicken, and a totally terrified stick figure surrendering to a baby raptor.

Bad move, stick figure. Raptors, like gazelles, can run and jump from the moment they are born. Unlike gazelles, they are also able to disembowel from birth. Mr. Sticks is lucky he doesn’t have bowels, otherwise he would have voided them all over Dunceman’s nice white JPEG.

Utahraptors, or “Mormon Turkeys”, are none of my concern. As far as I can tell, they were made up in the early 1990s by “scienticians” who were jealous of the raptor’s fearsome claws and prowess with the ladies. These so-called experts also decided that the Mormon Turkey should have special celestial undergarments made of feathers. Well done, jerkwads.

I would like to offer my condolences to Duncan’s family and remind them that, in accordance with this site’s submission guidelines, I have 30 days to come to Duncan’s house and rifle through his possessions. Anything I don’t want will be auctioned off and used to buy bacon for orphans of raptor attack.

Let this be a lesson to you all. Carry your whistle and keep a pork product handy, lest you end up like our starving dead artist friend Duncan.

Intelligent super-raptors? HELP

Hello,

I was recently driving through the countryside of Pennsylvania when I spotted a small tribe of what I believe to be a new form of velociraptor.  They’d draped themselves in black fabric and were selling homemade quilts and preserves out of a small booth by the side of the road.  Afraid they might run my car down and slash the tires, I threw a good four pounds of bacon out of my window, but they merely thanked me and invited me to their lair for dinner.  Naturally I immediately sped away from the obvious trap, but their eerily-human faces still invade my thoughts as I pace away my sleepless nights.

Please provide a suitable defense technique to ward off this most loathsome variety of mankind’s oldest enemy.
-Alex

Dear Jeffrey,

Real “bone-uh-fied” raptors do not wear clothing. For one thing, it cramps their style. Also they have tiny arms and cannot button buttons.

What you saw was instead a highly-evolved form of bum. They call themselves “the Amish”, which is Dutch for ultra-mega-bum. According to my calculations, these black-caped crusaders are not deadly, just annoying.

You lost some perfectly good bacon, but you were right to run away from them. They would have tried to teach you things and sell you furniture, which is one step away from disembowelling in my book.

Keep on truckin’,

- Dr. Velociraptor