Can Chuck Norris Kill a Raptor?
Jared Asks:
Can Chuck Norris kill a velociraptor?
OK, first of all, Chuck Norris would never fight *a* raptor. Raptors hunt in packs and firmly believe in the buddy system. That’s like asking, “Can Chuck Norris wear a pant?”
But seriously, this is a difficult question for me to answer. I would really like to believe that Chuck Norris is some sort of wily superhuman, we have to face some inconvenient truths.
| Things Chuck Norris Does |
Things Velociraptors Do
|
| Chuck Norris votes Republican. |
Velociraptors eat Republicans. And anyone else, for that matter. |
| Chuck Norris spends his spare time promoting fitness equipment. |
Velociraptors don’t have any spare time. They are always on the way to kill something or on the way back from it. |
Chuck Norris looks like Ned Flanders with a big hat. |
Velociraptors look like fear, with just a smidge of crocodile. |
| Chuck Norris writes Christian cowboy novels. |
Velociraptors don’t write, but if they did it would be stuff about clowns dying. I hate clowns. |
So if you ask me, it’s pretty simple. One roundhouse-kicking Ned Flanders wannabe vs. the badass reptiles that took out Robert Muldoon, the planet’s foremost big game hunter. Not much of a fight.
You know what is cool about Chuck Norris, though? His real name is Carlos. That’s pretty rockin.
– Dr. V
Velociraptor vs. Cassowary: Taking All Bets and All Your Money
This site talks about the most terrifying bird on Earth. How would it stack up to a Velociraptor?
http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/featured/cassowary-terryfying-bird-earth/10022
Lame bird fact: A CASSOWARY is a stupid blue turkey from New Gondwanaland that lives in the mountains and sometimes kicks people with its mighty turkey feet. A cassowary once accidentally killed a 13-year-old boy during the Great Depression, when everybody was already weak from hunger and lack of stock options. Due to this single historical fluke, some asshat scientists dare to call the cassowary the deadliest bird ever.
Totally awesome fact: A VELOCIRAPTOR is a rockin’ dinosaur from the Paleozoic era that lives in the shadows and kills millions of healthy and non-depressed people annually. Its claws are harder than iron and sharper than rocks. Velociraptors can’t fly, but if they could, you can bet there would be no other animals left on earth, not even your precious cassowaries.
Mazel tov, and thanks for all the turkey,
- Dr. V
After raptors, what is the next deadliest thing known to man?
The list of “world’s deadliest whatsits” is as follows:
- Velociraptors (duh)
- A shark riding an elephant
- Blue whales (the flying kind only)
- Zombies
- That chick from ”The View” who at first glance looks hot but is actually a raving right-wing lunatic
- Clowns
Which is deadlier, velociraptors or spider monkeys?
I don’t know, but I saw a dead spider monkey on Discovery Channel. I’ve never seen a dead raptor.
Update: Like a week after I wrote this, the show “Jurassic Fight Club” showed a raptor getting killed in a fight against a stegosaurus or something. Obviously that show is written by nitwits. I challenge them to a duel.
Which are larger – raptors, llamas, or frogs?
Raptors are larger than all but the biggest frogs. Llamas are not real, so I will not even consider them. Raptors do not tolerate people wearing sombreros.
