Are You Velociready?

How can I tell if my boss is a velociraptor?

I suspect my boss, John, is a velociraptor, before I stake him through the heart how can I be sure?

Thanks.

Steve B

Having a velociraptor for a boss is a sticky situation. He could fire you at any time, or he could just eat your face. Here are some ways to tell if your boss if a raptor.

1. Bring a slab of raw bacon to work and put it on your desk. If it turns up missing, your boss is probably a raptor. If he tells you to get rid of it, he’s probably still a raptor and is trying to get you to throw it out so he can fish it out of the trash later.
2. Lace your boss’s food with habanero pepper extract. If he is a raptor (or a very large bird) he won’t react to it because dinosaurs aren’t sensitive to capsaicin.
3. The next time your boss gives you an unpleasant assignment, blow a whistle very loudly and run away. If you find that your boss has disappeared into the jungle in search of prey, he’s probably a raptor. If you come back to your desk and he’s standing there scowling at you, you’re probably fired.

Of course, in this down economy, having a raptor for a boss might just be an acceptable risk. If you are eaten by raptor, your next-of-kin can collect double life insurance. You’ll still be dead, but your relatives will thank you.

Keep it real,

- Doc V.

Can Velociraptors disguise themselves as humans to prey on them?

I’ve been suspecting some “humans” are velociraptors for a while now. Kenny Rogers and Karl Rove specifically.
- Chris

Dear Chrispus (Attucks),

Sorry it took me so long to answer your question! I had to consult with top minds, which was hard because I don’t know any, so I finally just made something up. Here are the facts:

- Velociraptors are cold-blooded
- Karl Rove is cold-blooded
- Velociraptors like to feast on the blood of the innocent
- Karl Rove eats a live puppy every day for breakfast
- Velociraptors lurk in the shadows waiting to pounce on their prey
- Karl Rove lurks in the shadows waiting to pounce on liberals and cheeseburgers
- Velociraptors can be momentarily diverted with bacon and whistles
- Karl Rove can’t be diverted, even by bacon and a court order
- Velociraptors have three fingers on each hand
- Karl Rove has at least five fingers on each grasping claw

Conclusion: Karl Rove is a raptor who has somehow learned to dress himself and gained executive privilege. He should be considered extremely dangerous.

In the matter of Kenny Rogers…. Come on! Have you seen that guy lately?!?!!  He looks like Joan Rivers with a goatee. Definitely not a raptor.

Kenny Rogers, circa 2007

Keep on truckin!

- Doc V.

Which World Leaders Promote Velociraptor Safety and Awareness?

Dear Velociready—

Which world leaders have an actual stance on

1. the threat of Velociraptor Domination?
2. the tyranny of the powerful Bacon Lobby which continues to put a stop to my bacon/raptor research?

Your assistance in these matters is greatly appreciated. As I’m sure you are aware, we are running out of time.

Sincerely,
Dr. Peemkaew

Dear Pemmican,

The following world leaders have anti-raptor policies:

1. Winston Churchill
2. Nikita Khrushchev
3. Sayonara Tojo

These leaders have pro-raptor policies:

1. Kim Il-Sung
2. Bill Pullman, who played the president in “Independence Day”

According to Barb, who is always trying to rain down facts on my parade of happiness, all of the leaders listed above are now out of power, dead, or not real. I guess that means that velociraptor defense is in the hands of ordinary Joe the Plumbers and Tito the Neurosurgeonamancers. Wait, not Joe the Plumber. I hate that guy.

The Bacon Lobby is financed by two of history’s greatest monsters, Bob Evans and the ghost of Jimmy Dean. No leader in the world would dare stand up to them.

Bacon lobby? Isn’t the whistle lobby far more dangerous and powerful?

What kind of lobbyist would drive all the way to Washington to represent whistles? Get real.

Why does the mainstream media continue to ignore the raptor threat?

Because raptors don’t act all wild like Paris Hilton. They keep it on the down low.

The Bacon Lobby

Isn’t it true this site is actually written, maintained and funded by velociraptors as part of a global misinformation campaign perpetrated by the bacon lobby?

I don’t know where the bacon lobby is, but I want to visit it.