Are Velociraptors Even Real?
Are Velociraptors even real or do they belong on this here list: http://tinyurl.com/ylh4wm3
-Mickelbar Nelson
Dear “What the hell kind of a name is Mickelbar?”,
Seriously. Your mother is fired. Unless you are related to Craig T. Nelson, former star of TV’s Coach. That would be awesome.
So, let’s take a look through your list, which is titled “7 Lamest Yet Widely Believed Cryptozoological Hoaxes”. We’ve got three diseased rabbits, two snakes, some cardboard fairies, and something called a “fur-bearing trout”.
Fur-bearing trout, eh? Here’s the thing, Michaelmas. Velociraptors aren’t cryptozoological. They’re real. You can wander into any museum worth its bacon salt and see a raptor skeleton. Now, I know what you’re going to say: “But those skeletons are millions of years old! Raptors went extinct!” Horse d’ouevers! Velociraptors didn’t go extinct. They just went underground.
Let us consider the ninja. In ancient Japan, ninjas wandered around kicking ass. Now you hardly see any ninjas. But do you doubt that they’re still out there? Of course not. In conclusion, velociraptors eat ninjas for breakfast, with a side of fur-bearing trout.
So, Mickey Mouse, the choice is yours. But on the highly likely chance that raptors do end up killing you, please send your address so I can come to your house and rifle through your possessions.
Don’t stop believin’,
– Dr. V
Does it have to be an actual whistle or can I whistle using my mouth?
Does it have to be an actual whistle or can I whistle using my mouth?
Also, Isn’t it true that velociraptors travel in packs? I saw this on Jurassic park. If so, I might need more bacon.
Also, does packaged jerky work?
Thanks.
Justin
Holy crap with the questions there, Justin! What ever happened to one man, one vote?
Question the first: There is a reason man invented a special whistling device. This is because people can only whistle so loud, and since raptors don’t have ears they might not be distracted enough to not eat you. I guess you could try “Whistling Dixie”. That song is pretty annoying and should make anything but a Southern raptor turn away in disgust.
Question the second: Yes, it is true raptors travel in groups. The correct name for a group of raptors is not a “pack”, but a “manslaughter”. Good luck with that.
Question the third: Commercially available jerky is wildly uneven in quality. Some jerkies are dryer than tree branches in a California wildfire, while others are tasty and delicious. If you live in an area where bacon is unavailable, you could try Slim-Jims. Those are greasy enough to entice even the most jaded reptile.
Thanks for not asking four questions,
Doctor V, M.D.
Do velociraptors like music?
Yes! Velociraptors listen to gangsta rap and 80’s girlie pop. Leading scientists believe that the reason velociraptors are so angry is because they have “Mickey” by Toni Basil stuck in their heads all the time.
What do raptors do for entertainment?
Just like people, all raptors are different. Some raptors enjoy playing racquetball. With human heads. Others enjoy cooking…human heads.
Can velociraptors talk?
Yes, but only in Dutch. Also they can whistle.
Do raptors like cheese?
Raptors are not picky. They will eat cheese in a pinch, but they prefer to eat your soul.
Is it true raptors have a prehensile tail?
Yes, if by prehensile you mean deadly, and by tail you mean claws.
Can velociraptors climb trees?
Velociraptors don’t need to climb trees. Their cold reptilian stare can wither mighty oaks.
Aren’t velociraptors actually small and covered in feathers?
No, you’re thinking of birds. Velociraptors are terror incarnate.
