Can Chuck Norris Kill a Raptor?
Jared Asks:
Can Chuck Norris kill a velociraptor?
OK, first of all, Chuck Norris would never fight *a* raptor. Raptors hunt in packs and firmly believe in the buddy system. That’s like asking, “Can Chuck Norris wear a pant?”
But seriously, this is a difficult question for me to answer. I would really like to believe that Chuck Norris is some sort of wily superhuman, we have to face some inconvenient truths.
| Things Chuck Norris Does | Things Velociraptors Do |
| Chuck Norris votes Republican. | Velociraptors eat Republicans. And anyone else, for that matter. |
| Chuck Norris spends his spare time promoting fitness equipment. | Velociraptors don’t have any spare time. They are always on the way to kill something or on the way back from it. | Chuck Norris looks like Ned Flanders with a big hat. | Velociraptors look like fear, with just a smidge of crocodile. |
| Chuck Norris writes Christian cowboy novels. | Velociraptors don’t write, but if they did it would be stuff about clowns dying. I hate clowns. |
So if you ask me, it’s pretty simple. One roundhouse-kicking Ned Flanders wannabe vs. the badass reptiles that took out Robert Muldoon, the planet’s foremost big game hunter. Not much of a fight.
You know what is cool about Chuck Norris, though? His real name is Carlos. That’s pretty rockin.
– Dr. V